To know what you want and to do what you want, the best things that can happen in one’s life.
Knowing it seems to be the hardest, knowing what you want. It is such a stressful and painful ordeal, to know what you want. I think nobody ever knows what they really want! Or maybe they do, I have heard people saying “then, that moment I knew that this was exactly what I wanted to do” well I envy them. I have been trying to figure out what I really want and I haven’t really found the solution, maybe I have but then I haven’t been able to be stable about it. The solutions that I have managed to reach continue to wobble and shift its places. I am not upset about the instability though, I kind of enjoy the wobbling. Every time the wobbling subsides and I am left with an assurance that I can almost reach out stability, I then feel good, the thought in me substantiated.
This process goes on for a while and then one day you feel more stable than you have ever been. You just know what exactly is it that you want, you confirm it, believe it totally.
While all these thoughts were in their process of becoming the final outcome you weren’t exactly doing just the thinking, you were living life somewhere far away, involved yet distant. When the thoughts become that final outcome you find it difficult to stay involved anymore in that real yet distant life that you have always been living, you grow more distant as time passes and that final outcome of your thoughts grow within you to be stronger and larger and hard to be ignored. When something so powerful goes alive in you, you are forced to heed it, fails to kill it and that results in you becoming neither your real life nor the final outcome of your thoughts. You float in the middle, in chaos of emotional conflicts between the two extremes. Leaving one end and running to the other becomes your dream.
When one end is the life you have always known you instinctively tend to fall back in there, out of practice maybe but mostly because you are unsure of yourself, unsure of the life other than the one you have always lived. The period that follows leave you depressed and angered mostly at yourself. Depressed at thought of your incapability to move on, angered at the fear that smothers your dream. You battle the fear by poor means of strategies which fails to get acknowledged and which reduces your quality as a person. Those battles aren’t any battles at all but mere charades, cowardice. The worst fact is that you are aware of it and yet you fail to not charade, you continue to be the coward.
You think of ways to overthrow the fear, the fear to let go. Let go of the life you have always had and still do. The promise, hope, benefit, name, love, support, commitment, refuge that the life had always offered becomes difficult to be neglected. You doubt of your survival without all those offerings. You fear of being exposed in a way that you would be shattered, you fear of failure and humiliation that you might fall prey to, you fear of being deprived of love, of being abandoned. Still, all you dream of is running from this familiar end, seeking the other extreme, renewing yourself, creating a new identity for yourself.
Nothing helps you, no word of comfort helps you, and nobody can help you. You remain as distant as possible from all that you have ever known. You see life through a veil of smoke, smoke that tempts you of your unachieved destination, smoke that constantly remind you of your dream and your cowardice.
Optimism helps you stay alive, helps you maintain the smile, helps you hope, helps you regain your strength and chase your dream, run to the other extreme. You begin running one day, unaware of it initially and eventually miles later you realize that you are actually far away from the beginning point. You smile at the realization; you begin to acknowledge the brightness that had come into your life while you were unknowingly running to the other extreme. You continue running not apprehensive of reaching the destination. You enjoy every moment of the run, because, success is a journey, not the destination.
